Well, it’s been a while… I could fall back on ‘not enough time in the day’, or ‘got stuff going down’ (the latter, if I were American, or just cool(er)), both of which are, to some extent, true. But here’s the truest bit: I’ve been afraid. Still am a bit. I’ve been afraid to write about what I’ve been creating in case it doesn’t count, or isn’t interesting enough, or doesn’t come across right. I’ve directed a few things recently with the criminal justice charity I work for, Only Connect. The things I’ve made (we’ve made, really) have actually been rather brilliant, or, I’ve had a rather brilliant time making them (I’m sure there’s a distinction, but I’m not too fussed). This actually goes a bit further than being afraid to write a blog post; I’ve also been afraid to call myself a Theatre Director to anyone remotely involved in the industry, and afraid to start creating a show that’s been simmering in my imagination for about 2 years now.
So, time for a little courage, and to talk about fear. I’m reading a rather brilliant book at the moment called ‘Big Magic’, by Elizabeth Gilbert, that talks about the fear/creativity partnership. I say partnership because, according to Gilbert, the two are pretty inseparable. Gilbert explains that when you’re doing something creative, be it as an artist, or as a person flexing creative muscle, chances are, you’re going to have to invite fear along for the journey. She writes a rather beautiful letter to fear, something along the lines of ‘fine, you can get in the car, there’s a space in the back for you, don’t touch anything, don’t ask me to change the radio station, and I’m driving’ . Now, I think the important distinction to make here is that fear is not useless. If you’re in a house that’s burning down and fear helps you to make a bolt for the door, or a leap from a low-positioned window, well then yes, that’s probably fear doing its job rather nicely. And of course, let’s acknowledge- making something new, creating, is scary, because it’s an unknown, an uncertain… and what if it doesn’t work out the way you’d hoped? So, fear, for me at least, is a given.
So if fear 1) can serve a purpose 2) is a given, why have I, and I suspect a few other people creating things on this earth, found it to be such a nuisance? Avoidance. The avoidance of fear. I’m going to share a few things I’ve learnt over the past year, in the hope that they might be useful, and might save you some time, and if not, well, it’s helped me organise my thoughts; one can put a good amount of energy into living a life that avoids fear, but 1) it’s probably going to get you anyway, eventually, on “some idle Tuesday” ref: “Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)” (1998) 2) fear is a feeling, a feeling that we create, which evolves from a thought, e.g. ‘if I make this play and it fails, a lot of people are going to think I’m no good, and I’m going to have to live in a bog’, and feelings, like thoughts, can’t always be trusted (this is complicated, but it’s to do with your truth, not the truth) 3) avoiding fear uses up an incredible amount of energy, probably enough energy to make a play, get some feedback, re-rehearse it, try again, and again, a few times over 4) The actual event /thing/reaction/moment you fear, probably won’t be as bad, or at least as simple as that which your fear imagines. Don’t get me wrong, in my experience, when things are hard it can be exhausting, lonely, sad, confusing to name a few, but it can also be mundane, enlightening, perspective –giving, amusing, and you carry on. You carry on.
So, with all that in mind, I’m going to write a blog-post (done), create a show (give me a year), and change my e-mail signature to Theatre Maker (give me 5 minutes). And on this little road trip, I’ll be driving; inspiration can sit to my left, creativity in the back, next to fear, who can sit in a child’s booster seat, wearing a cycle helmet- or maybe I’ll just bung it in the boot.
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